There aren't many things that make me cry.
Ok that's a lie, there are many things that make me cry. (Like that YouTube video about the old goat and the blind horse who are best friends, or those cute news story's about seniors couples who win the MegaBux lotteries) But what I mean is that there aren't many sad things that happen to me in my life that make me cry. Much less so to do with people. And even less so than that, guys. Not recently anyway.
Overall, I'm a relatively easy going person. A smart, happy girl who doesn't sweat the small stuff. And while I used to get overly emotional over every epically embarrassing unrequited crush moment - like literally, sobbing in my tub naked kind of emotional (and ps. they were never all that epic in any kind of way either) - I've really turned my shit around over the years and mastered my ability to see & appreciate the lessons those moments hold. Like a real big girl.
But not this past weekend. No, this weekend I cried. A lot.
I spent 3 days in bed, with cheddar flavored popcorn, peanut butter chocolate ice cream, Nerds, Woody Allen films, and chicken nuggets. (Btw, if you want to know the secret to life; it's dipping your nuggets in peanut-butter ice cream. Trust me.)
Why? Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure, it's kind of caught me by surprise.
I think it has to with the fact that I'm feeling vulnerable & a bit lonely right now. Not like physically lonely (well, definitely that actually, but not so desperate that I need to cry about it, yet) - I mean heart lonely.
My sister just left me, Friday - she got a job on the other side of the country and she's gone off to do it, amazing for her, but shitty for me as I've lived with her since I was 3. She's my other half, so I'm feeling a bit lost. Then, same day, T tells me he's met someone, someone serious. Also, I'm taking on a lot more responsibility at work, living on my own for the first time (sans sis), and buying a car. A lot of change for this ole' girl. Too much maybe, at once. I'm not going to pretend that it all has equal parts, I mean, it's rather obvious they don't. But all together, I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
Especially about T (don't worry, I'm not skipping the good part). Truly, I'm happy he's happy, from the bottom of my heart. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt. I think, to be honest, I've just felt like he was mine for the last few months. And I'm realizing, now, that he's been filling a space for me that I'm not sure I even really knew existed, a void, until now. Until he announced he was leaving it.
To be fair, he didn't say he was leaving me, and I don't think he wants to. But I know that he has to. It's only normal, and right - and I would die if I was his girlfriend and knew (or worse, didn't know) that he had the connection we have, with another girl. I would die.
I'm about to be dumped. By my best friend. And I realize that I haven't written about him much on here, so this "best friend" status may seem a little out of the blue, but that's kind of what he's become to me. Which explains a lot. Especially, the part about me spending 3 days in bed over this, and yet barely shedding a tear over Smooth.
Technically, he's not my boyfriend, no - but he is the guy that I've said good-morning & good-night to everyday for the last 6 months. The guy I turn to when I need cheering up, the guy I call when I have good news to share, or a good song, or a new TV show, or just a funny story. The guy I talk to about nothing, just because I can, and flirt with, because I need it. We just "get" each other. And while we've rationalized that as long as we're in 2 separate countries its just not realistic to think about what more could be, I think we both know that what we have is special, one of a kind.
So yeah, that's where I am right now. I'm scared of loosing the guy - my guy - but I know its inevitable. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it happens.
I'm going to be alone alone for the first time in my life...
And I'm absolutely terrified.
To be honest, you can feel alone alone with or with out someone. Take this time alone and find out the things you want and don't want in your life. Living alone isn't so bad either, it does get lonely not having someone to talk to about a TV show or watch a girly chick flick with but after a long/stressful day at work sometimes it's nice to not have to worry about talking to someone. Plus! you can walk around naked whenever you want. About your friend meeting someone, I'd have to say I'm in the same situation and I'm not looking forward to it at all. You want to be happy for T but really, you're slightly heartbroken... I hope it gets better. Don't be terrified of change though...sometimes it's the only way to grow.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that. Sometimes we need to be reminded that forward is always the right direction. Ups & downs are normal, and I've gotten off pretty clean for 10 months more or less, so I guess I was overdue. I'll be ok, and I'll be happy, for him & for me. Change is good, change is good.
DeleteIt really sucks when your family moves away, they're the one constant and then poof gone. I also sometimes feel that my sister is going places and I'm......not. I wish I was more like my sister. Sorry about T :( Also make sure you try dipping french fries into soft-serve sometime.......most people think I'm crazy when I suggest this.....but I figure you know just how good ice-cream and savoury food can be. Seriously ;)
ReplyDeleteVanessa
Yeah, I keep trying to tell myself that nothing has really changed, that he's still mine... But it's pretty obvious that that isn't the case. If its meant to be, it will be... And if its not then I'll cherish these last 6 months forever. We'll see I guess.
DeleteAnyway, don't wish to be like your sis, use her as an example & get motivated. We all have our special skills & talents. Just a matter of finding yours.
And fries dipped in a Wendy's frosty is actually my favorite thing. I get the crazy looks too. Nice to know I'm not the only I one!
I knew I couldn't be the only one! We should start a french fry and soft serve appreciation club ;) I feel vindicated, take that haters! LOL
DeleteVanessa
We should! Lol, two is a good start ... ;)
Deletewow. i'm about to be alone alone for the 1st time as well. i'm leaving my country and everything i hold dear (family, friends, my dog) to move to san francisco for a job. it was exciting when i first heard it, but as the date grows closer, i am now freaking out about being in a place where i know absolutely NO ONE! so i can somewhat relate to what you're saying. and T, that really sucks. i can understand the heartbreak. it happened to me when my best friend found the girl he wanted to marry. but perhaps, perhaps...this will give you space to let someone else into your life - someone who'll be, you know, 'yours'?
ReplyDeleteThat's what I'm hoping. Maybe we're destined to be "just friends". And I can accept that, I have to. So, I'm turning a new leaf and just accepting that what's mean to be will be... And like you said, maybe he's just making room for the guy who actually is for me.
DeleteAs for you, don't be scared. Life is an adventure, it's my dream to start fresh somewhere new. Where are you leaving from? ...and do stress about not knowing anyone, you have a job. Once people there hear how brave you are doing what you're doing, they will lining up to make plans with such a cool girl. Trust me, you've got this
your heart will tell you exactly what you need to do when it's time. at least that was how it was for me. you seem to have this figured though ;)
Deleteand thanks so much for your words. they resonate deep. i'm leaving from malaysia, so it's literally the other end of the world...
What a journey! Best of luck, you are more than capable of doing this, I'm sure!
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